I’ve Been Away

It’s been years since I last posted on here and much has changed. I had hope, light for nearly a year and a half; I was in a relationship I thought was the last relationship I would ever enter into. In retrospect, it is fascinating how profoundly it changed my world view for a time. I felt safe. I felt like I could be myself, have my emotions, and not fear being abandoned because of them. The minute I sent the text saying I was leaving my partner, I felt another profound shift in my world view. I felt the dark shroud come over me once again, feeling searing lack of hope. It’s hard for me to discern if that’s the Wisconsin winter I barely missed, causing this effect or if it’s something deep in my psyche. Interestingly enough, I was the one who ended the relationship. I chose to walk away and I think it reached a point where there was not another option.

I also graduated from nursing school with honors and secured my first nursing job. I left North Carolina behind and moved back to Wisconsin, a place I did not think I would return to, but lately I’ve felt it was fortuitous I ended up back here; my grandmother’s cancer has been terminal since she was diagnosed four years ago. However, the diagnosis is likely to fulfill it’s prophetic nature sometime in the coming weeks, according to doctors. If I had taken a job elsewhere, I would not be here for this and for that I am grateful.

Outside of the lens of mental illness, life has such a painful ebb and flow to it. For every up there is a down. I happen to be in a stretch of downs at the moment and I’m beginning to feel afraid, like walls are closing in and like I’m losing control. I’m not feeling positive about much anymore. I feel like I’m starting to suffocate and like every facet of my life is going poorly at the moment. I know that it will change at some point because the universe operates on balance, but I’m struggling to find a way through right now.

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